Stuff I found that was funny.
One year ago today:
Marie is starting her third trimester. Late last night, she started to spoon me. "Wait, where is your body pillow?" I asked.
"Right now, you are," she mumbled as she tried to fall back asleep.
…
"Oh!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, the baby is kicking. Did you feel that?"
"Oh! there it is again… and again!"
"He’s really active right now."
"Yeah, I’m can feel it on my butt cheek. Our son is literally kicking my ass!"
Things I never thought I’d say when I became a parent:
Apparently, my son really likes Wet-Ass Pussy:
Clara Health has asked Checkr to run your background check
One of our current clients requested that we do background checks on individuals. Being on maternity/paternity leave, I’d normally ignore it until later, but Checkr is quite persistent when you ignore them, so I got it off my queue before what-pathetic-excuse-counts-for-sleep last night.
This morning:
I had to announce my relief to the company.
Me: Got my background check back. Relieved to find out I’m not a sex offender anywhere.
J—: im happy for you
Me: I’m relieved too! Forwarded it to M—. She mentioned she knows the CEO of Checkr from a mobile startup, and then said, without skipping a beat, “Okay, baby, we can keep daddy around now that we know he checks out.”
(This is probably revenge for all the times I look at my son and declare to M—, “I guess I think we’ll keep him.”)
On our walk yesterday…
M—: Look at the pretty chalk on the sidewalk, it’s so nice when children do that.
Me: Yeah…
Also me: Wait, shouldn’t we be calling the police on them?
M—: *laughs* Too soon, Terry.
(Disclosure to present and future employers: I am joking😆. It still boggles my mind that this happened in M—’s old neighborhood. They truly do live among us.)
Yeah, it’s my birthday, but the important thing is in this kickstarter…
(I read this on the Internet so it must be true.)
Vote 4 Hippos, so my Hippo can beat on you! If not, do it as a birthday present to me. 😀
She’s driving us down California St. in San Francisco…
Me: I was terrible, insensitive, and racist when I was a kid. I mean, this was the sort of jokes I told when I was young: ‘Hey, what do you call a quadriplegic in the water?’
Her: What?
Me: Bob.
Her: That’s horrible!
Continue reading about Continue reacting to this joke after the jump
…that conversation is never going to be had. I’m already running into Trump-voting motherfuckers – people who said so, frequently online, the receipts are there – who now deny ever having done so. If that fucker loses in 2020, you’re gonna see so many people forget who Trump is that it’ll scare you, you’ll think all us white folks got some kind of new brain disease.
So true.
So… this was in my inbox today…
#PythonIsSexyAgain #NowPictureGuidoVanRossumNaked #SEXY? #NowTryGettingThatPictureOutOfYourMind #GlobalInterpreterLockAmIRight?
#<HTML>IsAProgrammingLanguage</HTML>
#EverythingIsAwesome #JavaCanDoEverything #JavaIsAwesome #NoWaitMaybeNot
#AtLeastPHPIsNumberOneAtSomething
#YouCodeForTheLOLsICodeForTheLULZ
#EveryTimeATabIndentsOneThreeOrSevenSpacesGetTheirWings
#OneTypingToRuleThemAll
(There are many other gems in there, like any good tragicomedy.)
Marie has loved Marie Kondo since her book first hit the US four years ago, so of course last night we watched the first episode of her new show on Netflix.
This morning she’s been sharing with me these tweets.
“This baby does not spark joy for me, so it will have to go” pic.twitter.com/OsCI6dPa0f
— Adam Moussa (@adamjmoussa) January 3, 2019
Marie Kondo is a fictional character created by Goodwill Industries to get me to donate half of everything I own
— Matt Haughey (@mathowie) January 2, 2019
Fall, 2018. Marie Kondo sits with Netflix executives. “These Marvel shows. Do they bring you joy?”
— Tim Carvell (@timcarvell) January 2, 2019
one of the messy women asked marie kondo if HER house is ever a mess. her mouth said “of course!” but her eyes said “bitch have u met me??”
— Johanna Barr (@johannabarr) January 2, 2019
Marie Kondo's home pic.twitter.com/PCX7efA42C
— Claude Zeins (@czeins) January 3, 2019
“There is definitely something unique and fresh about Marie Kondo. That’s why she’s become so popular.” she said.
“I just hope that I continue to spark joy in your life,” I replied.
Let’s just say when my phone buzzes at 10:30pm and again at 12am. I turn into Statler or Waldorf…
Dear DoorDash support,
I did not do this support request. I’ve never used your service. (I believe many at a previous company I worked at would use you when catered lunch wasn’t ordered that day, but I’m among those that subscribed to the theory of “Learned Laziness.”) In fact, initially I thought this was phishing or spam because we have no previous business relationship or customer interaction.
If the person who whined to you to create this support ticket provided a phone number or other contact information —which I’m sure they did if there was a real order attached — please contact them through that order and tell them to not mistype their email in the future. I can understand how not receiving their hot pockets or whatnot on time can be stressful (in my younger years I’d have probably blown up for less if ordering-shit-from-my-iPhone-because-I’m-too-lazy-to-walk-downstairs were a thing), but that’s no excuse for not double-checking what one is typing in the contact field(s).
If I keep receiving these e-mails , I’ll simply train my mail filters to ignore and and all future e-mails coming from you.
I wish you all the best! Thank you.
terry
P.S. There is an apostrophe in “youve.” I normally wouldn’t mention it, but it’s in e-mail template you have probably sent out more than 10 million times and I’d have think it’d be a little embarrassing that the $970 million in venture capital you took in didn’t pay for a spell-checker.
Begin forwarded message:
From: “support@doordash.com” \<support@doordash.com>
Subject: Thanks for contacting DoorDash Support!
Date: September 17, 2018 at 10:30:31 PM PDTHello,
Thanks for contacting DoorDash!
This email is to confirm that we have received your request. Our team will be following up with you shortly.
If you do not receive a response within the next 48 hours, please make sure to check your spam or junk folder to ensure our messages can reach you.
In the meantime, check out our Dasher Help Center! We have curated answers for your most asked questions.
Your reference number is xxxx.
Sincerely,
DoorDash Support
DoorDash Help
Begin forwarded message:
From: “support@doordash.com” \<support@doordash.com>
Subject: DoorDash Inquiry
Date: September 18, 2018 at 12:11:54 AM PDTHi ,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us regarding your inquiry. Were happy to look into this for you; however, we need more information regarding the issue/concern youve encountered.
In line with this, can you please provide us details of your inquiry, the name/email on the account so that we can have it checked and verified from our end!
Hoping to hear from you soon,! Thank you for your patience and understanding in dealing with this matter.
Take care and be safe!
Your reference number for this request is xxxx.
Best,
Allan
DoorDash Support
DoorDash Help
ref:_00D1aKEiH._5001ajJUcj:ref