A religious experience

“Oh, God! Oh! OhhhHHHH!!! God!!!!! Ohhhhh”
—anonymous neighbor who didn’t close her window last night

Right before I fell asleep last night, I heard someone in my apartment complex shout this. My window was closed, but the voice penetrated it with uncompromising clarity. If a woman’s auditory systems is tuned to hearing a baby cry, a man’s is tuned to hearing a woman at the peak of coital orgasm. After all, that space in the temporal lobe has got to be used for something, right?

Or, maybe she was just loud.

In any case, it reminded me of two jokes told to me in high school. They popped into my head right before I fell asleep.

[Two jokes, obviously sophomoric after the jump]

The four types of orgasms

Terry, did you know there are four types of orgasms?

The first type is the positive: “Oh yes, oh yes. Oh yesss!!”

The second type is the negative: “Oh no, oh no. Oh noooooo!”

The third type is the religious: “Oh god, Oh god! Oh Gooddddd!”

The fourth type is the fake: “Oh Terry! Oh Terry!”

I’m such a geek that my first thought was what if what someone says during sex says something about their personality and background? For instance:

  • Does the girl last night go to church regularly, or not at all?
  • Is there any correlation between screaming “Yes!” during orgasms and being an optimist?
  • What’s a good experimental design to test these hypotheses? (Pick me! Pick me!)
  • Could we, someday, just drop Myer-Briggs and simply ask, “Tell me what you say when you climax?”

These questions keep me up at night—well, at least, awake long enough to make a mental note to blog this.

Then, I laughed at the joke.

Yeah, I’m little odd. (Don’t even get me started on the triple nipple thing.)

A religious experience

Can you picture God, up in heaven, creating Man on the sixth day? There he is designing him in His own image, and he gets to the genitalia, and he says to himself:

“Hmm, I better throw in a couple layers of those super-sensitive skin cells so they’ll remember to go forth and multiply.”

Then, He stops for a second.

“Hell, I might as well throw in a few more. I want them screaming my name!”

Nice to know, God was looking out for us. You know that girl last night? She was sort of balancing out the all the times I take His name in vain. (Hint: Not in the same way.)

Your websites: made lovingly with a lot of blood, sweat, and swear.

[tags]sex, orgasm, loud orgasm, God, in vain, Meissner’s corpuscle, auditory system[/tags]

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