My tweets make no sense.

This is why nobody follows me and even my friends have turned off updates.

I just can’t seem to explain my experiences in 140 characters. Maybe I should have titled this blog “The Circumlocution.” Oh well, at least two people asked me about this confusing tweet after my plane landed.

But it’s really quite a simple story, even if I can’t tell it right.

Here is a helpful diagram…

[More misadventures after the jump.]

The golden rule of air travel is the only time you’re going to be seated next to a pretty blonde is when you’ve just eaten a garlic burger the day you forget to bring anything for your breath…or you’re traveling with your wife.

Since I always travel with my minty gum (helps with the ear popping), you can see why when I boarded, I might say hello to my “single serving friend” without thinking. That was before I realized that she wasn’t that unpleasant to look at. When I realized it, I shut up and waited for the other shoe to drop. She went back to reading her book.

The shoe drops

While I had been fortunate enough to have whole rows to myself during many of my flights, she had not been. So when it became evident that we’d be the the only row on this flight with an empty seats in the middle, she said to me, “Oh, it looks like we’ll have an empty seat!” And we struck up a conversation about the book she was reading. As you know, I have a special weakness for girls who read books. As far as I’m concerned: there are three things that are guaranteed to make a girl sexier: knowing what PHP is, photographing with a Nikon camera, and reading a good novel.

Of course, no sooner had that happened when, at the last minute, an old couple on standby starts making their way down the aisle. I politely returned the blonde her book, helped the old lady to her seat, twittered the irony, and proceeded to deal with my jet lag by getting some sleep.

What God intended

“Did you get the digits?” —andreiz

Really, sometimes I wonder if my friends understand me. After all, Andrei got an upgraded first class flight earlier that day. And did he get to chat it up with a pretty blonde?

Look people! Balance was restored to the Force. I just had to appreciate God’s great sense of humor—he was just teaching me a lesson for this tweet.

When I recounted that story to Andrei later, one of his friends asked me, “How did you know God didn’t intend for you to ask for her number?”

I replied to her, “Because if God intended that, he’d have given me a bigger set of balls.”

Asking the right question

Since the TSA decided playing with my camera was much more important than making sure my bags made the flight, I asked Dave to pick me up as I knew he was nearby at Mozilla 24. I planned to have a late lunch with him while we waited for the phone call from the airline baggage claim. (Dave pointed out that working baggage claim complaints has to be the worst job in the world.)

Dave, having known me much longer than Andrei, asked the right question:

“What book was she reading?”

I replied, “Oh it wasn’t that interesting. It has some religious overtones that I don’t think I’m ready for yet—at least until George Bush is kicked out of office.”

(xkcd is right: you just can’t love a girl who likes Xenocide. And, on the off chance someone reading this happens to be the fairer sex, if your geek boyfriend likes Ender’s Shadow, save yourself a world of pain and just dump him now.)

Some of you may be wondering if there was a blonde sitting in the aisle across from me. Yes, there was, but she was reading Cosmo.

Bonus story

Speaking of xkcd, Dave pointed out that there was free food back at Mozilla 24, so he took me there to hork some food while I waited. When he stepped out of the car, I noticed he was wearing the most infamous xkcd t-shirt of all time.

“I bet a lot of people today stopped you to comment on your t-shirt.”

“Nah. This conference isn’t geeky enough for anyone to recognize it. At Lunch 2.0 it happens, but not here. Mozilla 24 is a different crowd.”

After I registered for the event, Dave immediately directs me to the food buffet where I could partake in the brownies that he had waxed eloquent on the car ride over. As soon as we walked into the dining area, a pretty brunette comes over to us to ask a question. Her eyes go wide on Dave’s shirt and in this insanely sexy French accent exclaims, “XKCD!”

Oh, it couldn’t be more perfect.

(Yeah, to think she knew what PHP is too. I swear, if she didn’t have a PHP-developing boyfriend already, I’d have almost fallen in love.)