I’m not a fashionable guy. It wasn’t until around 2007 that I found out that pleated pants went out with the 1990’s. But this has come up often enough in discussion. So I’ll tell the only Chayism that exists for daily fashion:
Don’t fucking wear technology!
Bluetooth headsets? A cellphone is fine shit, but wear a bluetooth headset and you might as well plaster a name tag on yourself that reads. “I’m a douche.” Why? because you don’t fucking wear technology. I don’t care if Apple makes it—an Apple logo isn’t going to save it. Why do you think they stopped making them?
Bonus Chayism I learned bought my first Bluetooth headset in 2003 (which I promptly lost and never replaced by 2004):
The line between sane and insane is exactly a piece of plastic.
Walk around talking into a rectangular piece of plastic? You are sane. Walk around talking to yourself? You are crazy. In 2003, I’d often get “that guy must be insane” looks for the first few minutes, until they did a double-take and realized that I was only a douche.
(Now you can have a bluetooth headset in the car. or at work in a home office, but take it the fuck off when you’re done with it. If I, who still is trying to get used to flat-front pants, could figure that out by 2004, you can figure it out by now.)
There are exceptions, but they prove the rule.
Eyeglasses and wristwatches are exceptions. It’s okay to wear that shit now. But eyeglasses date back to 500 years before Christ was born and the wristwatch was invented in 1868. Even sunglasses, which are acceptable today, go back 500 years. And, if you wear sunglasses indoors, you still look like a douche (or a professional poker player).
Even then, you often still get that “bluetooth-double-take” when you have photochromic lenses, which were invented 50 years ago. The only people who wear digital watches regularly, invented 40 years ago, are ironic hipsters and terrorists (or ironic hipster-terrorists).
Tell you what, let’s have a corollary: if a bunch of people work for a century trying to make a piece of technology cool, it’s okay to wear it. But if it’s anything more recent than the maximum human lifespan, you probably should forgo it.
Other exceptions? technical wear, heart rate monitors, military and outdoor gear, etc. These fall into the bluetooth headset exception. I have a fancy umbrella for when it rains because at that moment I don’t care how I look, I care about getting wet. If I ran a marathon, I’d probably put band-aids on my nipples, but that’s not because I’m trying to make a fashion statement. So, I’m sorry the only people who will be allowed to have an asian lady sun visor will be my great grandkid[/commetnary].
While you are doing your business (virtual skiing on your iPhone while doing jumping jacks on the toilet), it’s okay to wear that shit, but you’re pushing the boundary of the sane/douche double-take when any of these form your wardrobe essentials.
### How I came up with the theory
Once, I was reading an interview with [William Gibson](http://www.williamgibsonbooks.com “William Gibson Official Website”), the author of *Neuromancer*. They included a photo where he had one of the uber-cool (at the time) Motorola Starta cellulars strapped to his belt.
I thought, sarcastically, “He’s not going to regret that at all!That photo won’t date him at all!”
There are baby pictures of me wearing plaid bellbottoms. The best that does is date me to within a decade[/commetnary] or so. Anyone can tell you when Gibson’s photo was taken to within a year. If you have a cellphone clipped to the outside of your belt, I can tell you to within the year when that photo was taken, unless it’s an iPhone, then I’ll need to know your income level or be given an extra year in leeway.
I’ll tell you what I told a previous boss, who had a habit of wearing his Startac cellular on his belt in a swivel clip: if it looks douchey on a Hugo and Nebula-award-winning science fiction author, you probably should rethink your fashion choice.
- I made a bet with a co-worker around this time. If in three years time, 5% of the hip downtown San Francisco was wearing google glasses, I’d pay up. A year later, he conceded. ↩