Don't wear technology

I’m not a fashionable guy. It wasn’t until around 2007 that I found out that pleated pants went out with the 90’s. But this has come up a often in discussion. So I’ll tell the only Chayism for daily fashion:

> **Don’t fucking wear technology!**

Here’s how it applies. [Google Glasses][]? Yeah that shit won’t fly. Why? because it’s technology and you *don’t fucking wear technology*. Good luck throwing money down that pit, Google.

Bluetooth headsets. A cellphone is fine shit, but wear a bluetooth headset and you might as well plaster a name tag on yourself that reads “I’m a douche.” Why? because you *don’t fucking wear technology*. I don’t care if [Apple makes it][iPhone Bluetooth Headset]—an Apple logo isn’t going to save it. Why do you think they stopped making them?

It may look pretty in the box, but it definitely looks douchey on the ear.

Bonus Chayism circa 2003 when I bought my first Bluetooth headset (which I promptly lost and never replaced by 2004):

> The line between sane and insane is a piece of plastic.

Walk around talking into a rectangular piece of plastic? You are sane. Walk around talking to yourself? You are crazy. In 2003, I’d often get the “that guy must be insane” looks for the first few minutes, until they made a double take and realized that I was only a douche.

(Now you can have a bluetooth headset in the car or at work in a home office, but take it the fuck off when you’re done with it. If I who still is trying to get used to flat-front pants could figure that out by 2004, you can figure it out by now.)

### Exceptions ###

There are exceptions, but they prove the rule.

Eyeglasses and wristwatches are exceptions. It’s okay to wear that shit now. But Eyeglasses date back [to 500 years before Christ was born][glasses] and the wristwatch [was invented in 1868][history of watches]. Even sunglasses which are acceptable today go back 500 years. And, if you wear sunglasses indoors, you look like a douche (or a professional poker player).

You still get that “bluetooth-doubletake” when you have photochromatic lenses, which were invented 50 years ago. The only people who wear digital watches, invented 40 years ago, are ironic hipsters and [terrorists][terrorist watch] (or ironic hipster-terrorists).


Tell you what, let’s have a corollary: if a bunch of people spend a century trying trying to make a piece of technology cool, it’s okay to wear it. But if it’s anything less than the maximum human lifespan, you probably should forgo it.

Other exceptions? technical wear, heart rate monitors, etc. These fall into the bluetooth headset exception. I have a fancy umbrella when it rains because I don’t care how I look, I care about getting wet. If I ran a marathon, I’d probably [put band-aids on my nipples][bloody nipples], but you don’t that’s not because I’m trying to make a fashion statement. So, I’m sorry the only people who will be allowed to have an [asian lady sun visor][] will be my great grandkids.


While you are doing your business (virtual skiing on your iPhone while doing jumping jacks on the toilet), it’s okay to wear that shit, but you’re pushing the boundary of the sane/douche/doubletake when any of these form your wardrobe essentials.

### How I came up with the theory ###

Once, I was reading an interview with William Gibson, the author of *Neuromancer*. They included a photo where he had one of the uber-cool (at the time) Motorola Startac cellulars strapped to his belt.


I thought, sarcastically, “He’s not going to regret that at all—that photo won’t date him at all.”

(I had to search pretty hard to find the photo and not because William Gibson has been in the news in the last decade and a half.)

There are baby pictures of me wearing plaid bellbottoms. The best that does is date me to within a decade or so. anyone can tell you when that photo was taken to within a year. If you have a cellphone clipped to the outside of your belt, I can tell you to within the year when that photo was taken, unless it’s an iPhone, then I’ll need to know your income level or be given an extra years leeway.

I’ll tell you what I told my boss in 2000, who had a habit of wearing his Startac cellular on his belt in a swivel clip: if it looks douchy on a Hugo and Nebula award winning science fiction author, you probably should rethink your fashion choice.

[Google Glasses]: “Project Glass—Google+”
[iPhone Bluetooth Headset]: “Bluetooth Headset — Apple Support”
[History of watches]: “History of watches—Wikipedia”
[glasses]: “Glasses—Wikipedia”
[terrorist watch]: “Casio F91W—Wikipedia”
[asian lady sun visor]” “Asian Lady Sun Visors: The Words Clothing Invention Ever—Go Productions LA blogs”
[bloody nipples]:

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light writing, word loving, ❤ coding

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