In followup to this post
And yes, I had kimchi at Thanksgiving. 
I’m surprised I never got around to mentioned this, when [I promised I would][nans second story]. Since it’s been years, go back and read it, and come back. I’ll wait.
…
In high school, I owned a [Thunderscan][Thunderscan]. For those of you too lazy to click on the link, this was a device that would digitize photos by replacing the ink cartridge of your ImageWriter, [a dot-matrix printer][dot-matrix printer], popular with Macintosh computers of the era.
(For those of you too young to remember what a dot-matrix printer is: in the old days, our printers were slow enough that you could watch an episode of [Cheers][Cheers] waiting for it to print out an article or “graphics” —the latter of which was whatever came out of [Print Shop][theprintshop]. And they were so loud, that a popular accessory was huge muffled box to place the printer in, in order to contain what can only be described as the primal periodical scream of the then nascent personal computer, “Why the f*&k do I have to be tasked for the next half our printing up a sinfully ugly banner for [your terrible P.T.A Yard Sale][review the print shop]?”)
Now imagine something that did the reverse (put print into the computer) by scanning it line by line. And realize that a typical “line” of text back then was actually 24 “lines” to this scanner.
This was a Thunderscan.
Marie showed me two videos the other day from Conan’s new show on TBS.
The first is Triumph at Occupy Wall Street:
And the other is Louis C.K., who was there to promote his new web-streaming comedy concert commenting on social media
Both were from the same episode.
One brunch, I noticed that a trio of my friends all had single-letter twitter names. I asked them to activate their wonder-tweet powers. They obliged:
After discussing the kissy ass face video, I asked my friends to pose one of the things that were “too dirty for College Humor.”
One thing I like to do is keep shooting even after people are done posing, the smiles are more honest.
Overheard:
“This is another song from a Swedish band.”
“Are they Swedish or something else?”
“I don’t know—some Scandinavian country I think. The song isn’t bad.”
“I think it’s a bit overplayed—it’s featured in a lot of TV and movies.”
“Yes, I guess you’re right. Did you know that it’s played a lot in evangelical churches, even though it not about religion?”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, listen to the lyrics… ‘Save me, I’m lost.’… ‘Oh lord I’ve been waiting for you.’”
“Wow, he was asking for it!”
Laughs “Yeah. He probably shouldn’t have added ‘Oh Lord.’”
(The fact that the lead singer looks like White Jesus doesn’t help either.)
Continue reading the lyrics to Show Me What I’m Looking For after the jump→
Me (as navigator): Okay go right here and then turn left onto Mission.
… (later)
Me: Are you sure you are going the right direction?
Her: I got it under control.
Me: I think you must have gone the wrong direction earlier.
Her: I turned onto Mission like you said.
Me: Oh! I should have told you that the turn was more like a hairpin left.
Her: You give terrible directions.
Me: Well don’t blame me, blame Google. See?
Her: Those directions are terrible, it should have said, “Flip a bitch onto Mission Street.”
Are you listening, Siri?
( Spun off from my previous post. Hat tip to diveintothemark. )
I messed up. I owe you an explanation.
“I’m going to continue to confuse a great business pivot (Netflix streaming) with a small business mistake (hamfisted way we bundled a streaming subscription separation with a price increase), and then compound it with a terrible business decision (splitting a company in two).”
It is clear from the feedback over the past two months that many members felt we lacked respect and humility in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming and the price changes. That was certainly not our intent, and I offer my sincere apology.
“I’m shocked some of you didn’t like the shit sandwich I gave you…”
Let me explain what we are doing.
“…So I’m going to take a bigger crap on it and give it back.”
For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn’t make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming. Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us). So we moved quickly into streaming, but I should have personally given you a full explanation of why we are splitting the services and thereby increasing prices. It wouldn’t have changed the price increase, but it would have been the right thing to do
“Now I’m going to make up some bullshit analogies to distract from the real reasons. Hey, did you notice how I referred to AOL ‘dialup’ when you and I know I really mean AOL, the entire company? 
Heck, they should renamed themselves Huff-O-LOL!”
So here is what we are doing and why.
“Double the Benjamins, only half the tedious bullshit of running a business.”
Many members love our DVD service, as I do, because nearly every movie ever made is published on DVD. DVD is a great option for those who want the huge and comprehensive selection of movies.
“Like you, I stopped with the rentals when I found that every title we can’t stream can be downloaded in an hour using BitTorrent.”
I also love our streaming service because it is integrated into my TV, and I can watch anytime I want. The benefits of our streaming service are really quite different from the benefits of DVD by mail. We need to focus on rapid improvement as streaming technology and the market evolves, without maintaining compatibility with our DVD by mail service.
“I got Apple to let me put out the Netflix App with nary a peep from them because they thought my main business was going to be this archaic DVD-by-mail. Heck, I even got them to bundle my shit into their Apple TV and do all the work. Amazon and Conde Nast can eat my farts! Lolz!”
So we realized that streaming and DVD by mail are really becoming two different businesses, with very different cost structures, that need to be marketed differently, and we need to let each grow and operate independently.
“I want to play with the cool new toy. DVDs-by-Mail was a pain in the ass. I’m going to spin it off into some worthless business that is going to die.”
It’s hard to write this after over 10 years of mailing DVDs with pride, but we think it is necessary: In a few weeks, we will rename our DVD by mail service to “Qwikster”. We chose the name Qwikster because it refers to quick delivery. We will keep the name “Netflix” for streaming.
“I picked a name that sounds like it came from 1999 so you know where Qwikster is going to be long before the next 10 years are up.”
Qwikster will be the same website and DVD service that everyone is used to. It is just a new name, and DVD members will go to qwikster.com to access their DVD queues and choose movies.
“Can you imagine telling your friends that ‘I’m using Qwikster?’ You might as well be saying, ‘In my day, we got DVDs by mail and WE LIKED IT!’”
One improvement we will make at launch is to add a video games upgrade option, similar to our upgrade option for Blu-ray, for those who want to rent Wii, PS3 and Xbox 360 games. Members have been asking for video games for many years, but now that DVD by mail has its own team, we are finally getting it done. Other improvements will follow.
“We’re going to put all the money-losing ideas that we knew better than to do into Qwikster in the hope that Qwikster can take down Gamefly along with it.
A negative of the renaming and separation is that the Qwikster.com and Netflix.com websites will not be integrated.
“You’re going to love having to rate every movie twice on two separate websites. Also, you know all those times when you went to rent something and realized you could stream it, or those times we couldn’t stream stuff and you just added it to your queue? Say ‘Buh-bye’ to that, bitches!”
There are no pricing changes (we’re done with that!). If you subscribe to both services you will have two entries on your credit card statement, one for Qwikster and one for Netflix. The total will be the same as your current charges.
“Instead of punishing just the 1% of you who whined about new pricing, I’m going to punish the other 99% also with new pricing, separate billing, and a new company.”
We will let you know in a few weeks when the Qwikster.com website is up and ready.
“The rest of you, don’t look into Hulu Plus or Amazon Prime, until one of them has bought us out, K?”
For me the Netflix red envelope has always been a source of joy. The new envelope is still that lovely red, but now it will have a Qwikster logo. I know that logo will grow on me over time, but still, it is hard. I imagine it will be similar for many of you.
“The sock puppet grew on me also…right until the moment Pets.com went out of business and it became a meme for FAIL. I hope this meme for FAIL will top that.”
I want to acknowledge and thank you for sticking with us, and to apologize again to those members, both current and former, who felt we treated them thoughtlessly.
“Fuck you, loyal customers.”
Both the Qwikster and Netflix teams will work hard to regain your trust. We know it will not be overnight. Actions speak louder than words. But words help people to understand actions.
“If you’ve been assigned to the Qwikster team, just know that all of us never liked you in the first place, but we couldn’t justify shitcanning you.”
Respectfully yours,
“No matter what happens, I’m rich, bitch!”
-Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO, Netflix
“If you haven’t gathered it by now, this signature shows I don’t give a shit about ‘Shitster‘. Oops! I mean ‘Qwikster.’ Also, if your name is Jeff Bezos, you now know who to call for a M&A.”
Dreams are weird things. For instance, there might be a neologism that you understand implicitly—sounds like a definition your friends may make you read aloud in Urban Dictionary to corrupt you, But doesn’t even exist yet..
Here was a weird dream:
She says, “Things have gone a little stale in bed so I’m going to get him a Happy Pen.”
“Oh, what’s a “Happy Pen?” one asks
She rolls her eyes.
Later that day, they come across her boyfriend. “Hey, we heard she’s going to get you a Happy Pen.” they say laughing.
“Look,” he says with frustration. “It’s not just a happy pen. I mean there’s more to it that just that. Maybe an Olive Garden before that and a kiss afterward.”
“Oh, what’s an “Olive Garden”?”
(I”m surprised they aren’t in Urban Dictioanry. You’d think if there’s a Hefty Midget, there’d be these.)
…
This reminds me of college where I was a house waiter.
After serving dinner the w8rs used to sit at table, drink, and talk. The rule was nobody could leave the dining hall, unless everyone stood up at once. Since the excom was traditionally held by w8rs, most house business was informally handled at this time. The rest of it was frustrate your friends by keeping them from studying.
One of us would make up neologisms for novel sexual acts in the hopes that everyone else would get so offended they’d stand up.
In those days there was no Urban Dictonary; there was, however, the alt.sex FAQ.
After dinner he’d submit his made-up-shit to alt.sex.
He managed to get a couple of them in the FAQ.
…
In case you were wondering, the only surefire way to get every waiter to stand up at once was to fart. You precede this period of flatulence with an imperative pun. “Wait!”
“Wait!” someone yells.
(Everyone stops talking and pauses)
PPPPHHHHHHHHBBBBBTTT!
“Ahh geez!” (Everyone stands up at once.)
“Ahh,” a friend sighs to me. “I just had to buy some rolls of toilet paper!”
“That happens sometimes,” I reply thoughtfully.
“No, they’re for my place and I’m not even living there.”
“How did that happen?”
“My roommates ran the toilet paper down.”
“So why didn’t they get some?”
“Well I have two. One is leaving and using my bedroom; the other is just moving in and using the other bedroom.”
“Oh!… Umm?”
“Well I guess one figured since she’s leaving she doesn’t need to get new toilet paper. And the other figures she’s just moved in and shouldn’t be buying toilet paper either.”
“So they’re just playing a big game of chicken over the toilet paper?!”
“I guess so.”
(Roommates. I’m so glad I don’t have them. Can you imagine this game? The moment you “win” congratulations; you’re MacGyver now.)
Girlfriend: “Everyone was asking about me—even family members. It’s probably better I wasn’t invited to her wedding. I know what would have happened if I showed up. Her mom would have come up to me and said, ‘So, how is your walk with God doing?’ and then she would have asked me about you.”
Boyfriend: “You should just tell them I’m a Satanist.”
Girlfriend: “Hah! Instead of a Catholic? That would have gone over well.”
Boyfriend: “Or… even worse, that I believe President Obama was born in Hawaii. That would have really freaked them out!”
>:)